I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
