I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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