you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
