I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
