My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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