if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
