shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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