I feel like I'm in dance class right now
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
