I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
