my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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