The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
