Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
