my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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