Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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