he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
