mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
