Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
