my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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