chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
