someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
