I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
That was an excessively violent trivia night
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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