First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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