just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
