quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
