my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
