I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
