dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
