How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
tell me about the eggs
I see more hoeing in ur future
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
