I look better un-naked...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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