I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
