I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
