I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
