She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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