I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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