Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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