I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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