Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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