I'll bet she douches with gravy.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
