I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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