New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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