Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize