The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
