It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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