i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize