she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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