My balls are so social today.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
