im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
