I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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