I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
