I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
