i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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