what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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