I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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