I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
