...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
