Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
