u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize