..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
