Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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