oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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