i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
