My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
