the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
