Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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