my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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