Christians are straight up FREAKS
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
