So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
