I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Found your dick twin last night
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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