I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
