I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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